Not sure where this writing is leading to. Maybe I will finish it. Maybe it's complete just the way it is. Sometimes there are answers. Other times there is not. . . . My thoughts right now are... When it rains it pours. Everything falls apart at the same time. Why? Why does it feel like that? It makes me want to scoop my kids up and run away. I know that's not the answer. I know it's not, because it is in the time of struggle we grow character. It's during those times we get to exercise those muscles of learning how to handle real life. Real life doesn't stop. You have to be strong. You have to be a warrior. You have to persevere. We are facing trials this week. But to me, there is something so wrong with the trials we are facing. Something so petty about what we are dealing with. So why do I feel so burdened, as if everything is falling apart? Girl drama. Teacher drama. School troubles. Health struggles. Family relationship struggles. We aren't fighting for survival. But it feels like it. We aren't running for our lives, searching for refuge in a foreign land. But we are searching for emotional refuge. I'm tired. I hurt for my family. I hurt for relationships that are strained. Why can't we be each other's safe place? Why can't our relationships be whole, healthy--our safe place. Why do we hurt each other when others outside our circle are hurting us too? I just want it to stop. I want to feel normal. (I know..what actually is "normal?") There may not be a definite look or feel to normal but I know I don't want normal to be this. I don't want normal to be hurt feelings every day. Rejection. Struggling for survival in school with academics, bullies, mean girls, pressures, teachers. And this is where I'm stuck in my thoughts. I don't know what else to say. I don't know what to do other than to be strong to show my kids how to be strong. I want to show them how to struggle well.
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You guys know that music is a huge part of my life. I turn to it a lot for healing, encouragement, remembrance, joy etc. This song is one I currently have on repeat. We did finally get in contact with Jacks psychiatrist yesterday. She said the medicine he is currently on is highly unlikely to be causing the Tourette’s. This was not the answer we were hoping for, so... ...this is our new norm. Tuesday night, our lives took a drastic turn. But He holds us in His hands. I will not fit God into a box that I have created. God has always been the King of the world. I refuse to try and take Jacks life and healing into my hands. I will not make God small. He is the one who holds it all. Tourette’s can go as quickly as it comes. We are praying for complete healing to happen in Jacks brain. He set this all in motion. He has brought us to and through every single moment and He is holding on to us. Jacks psychiatrist prescribed him a medication for his Tourette’s and he started on his first dose last night. It seemed to help with the frequency of his tics today. So that is wonderful. We did notice that as it became later in the day his tics started happening more. But we are hopeful that he can get up to a dosage on this medicine that will last all day. During the time of waiting I need to remember, who am I to try and take the lead? May I not run ahead thinking I can fix this. May I find my comfort and strength in Him. Thank you for your prayers
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